What If Someone Shows Up Uninvited To My Birth?
There you were. Peacefully laboring with soft music in the background under the glow of twinkle lights. Everything was amazing.
Knock knock.
“Helloooooo! It’s Aunt Myrtle!”
And just like that, your bubble is shattered.
For some incomprehensible reason, there are people in this world who feel that birth is a spectator sport. More of my clients than I care to recount have had to deal with someone who wanted to come to their birth without being invited, or worse, just showed up anyway after being told not to come.
It is a source of deep frustration and one I hope you can avoid. Let’s chat about how.
First off, preventative measures. Here are some of the suggestions I give my clients:
Don’t tell anyone you’re in labor. If no one knows you’re having a baby, no one can show up. Even better, your phone won’t be ringing and pinging with a dozen people all asking for updates.
If you can’t avoid someone knowing that you’re in labor (for instance, you need someone to watch your older kids, or your water breaks while at your family’s house for Sunday dinner), make sure you deliver at a hospital that has a locked L&D unit. Anyone who tries to enter will have to phone the nurses station for admittance, and if you have said “No Visitors” than they will not even be allowed on the unit.
Have one trusted person who is handling all the communication for you. Any update texts/phone calls can go through them and you can turn your phones off and concentrate on the job at hand.
If, despite your best efforts, Aunt Myrtle has somehow gleaned through her crystal ball that you are in labor and has snuck past the nurses and deposited herself on your doorstep, here’s your To Do list:
Designate a “Birth Bouncer” (partner, doula, best friend) whose job would be to escort all uninvited guests off the unit. If you don’t have a designated person, the nurse can do it. If you’re worried about asking the nurse in front of everyone to get someone out of your room, ask her for help using the restroom and have a private conversation there. Nurses are fabulous at this, and if people put up a fight, they can call a supervisor or even security.
DO NOT WORRY ABOUT HURTING ANYONE’S FEELINGS. You are the Queen/Empress/First Lady and what you say goes. The end. Aunt Myrtle will get over it. And if she doesn’t, that’s really a reflection on her, not you. You have the right to labor with the team that you have chose and not with anyone else who is getting in your way, criticizing, or making you feel at all self conscious.
If all else fails, throw a birth ball at her.
Studies have shown that birthing in the presence of someone who is making you uncomfortable or frustrated will slow down your labor. It triggers your Fight or Flight reflex, which sends a flood of adrenaline through your body, which is extremely unhelpful and should be avoided at all costs. Adrenaline pumps oxygen and blood in to your arms and legs (so you can fight or flee), and as your uterus is not located in your arms or legs, its needs are overridden in favor of escape. There is no way to combat this, since your brain can’t tell the difference if you are feeling unsafe because of a frustrating person in the room, or if you are being stalked by a lion on the savannah.
It’s not just a question of annoyance or discomfort. You need to be surrounded by safe people when delivering. Science says so.
If you’re looking for birth support that can double as a bouncer, look no further. I have first hand experience at escorting uninvited guests from a birth room (like the father-in-law who heard a baby cry and burst in fifteen seconds after the baby was born while Mom was still hanging out in all her glory). My preferred method is to set up redundant systems that prevent this from happening in the first place, but I have zero issues being the birth bouncer. I work for you, not anyone else, and if Aunt Myrtle needs someone to actively dislike until the end of time, she can have me and I will not be bothered one bit.
Christine Rogers is a birth doula and childbirth educator. She is the owner/operator of Draw Near Doula Services and serves in-person in Anchorage, Eagle River and the Mat-Su Valley regions of Alaska, and offers virtual doula services and education all over the United States. A mom of four, she works hard to ensure every client she serves has a positive and empowering labor experience, because no one should have to be afraid of birth. When not doula-ing, she’s a writer, baker, aspiring potter (as in bowls and vases, thank you very much), and her love languages are mason jars, dangly earrings, and Dr. Pepper.
Need a doula? Looking for childbirth education? Find Christine’s services online at www.drawneardoula.com/services. You can also follower her online on Instagram & Facebook: @drawneardoula or @christine_rogers_doula .
